Open Journal: Embracing The New
Closing my studio and seeing other pathways close before they even began left scars, and with those scars comes the fear of having to once again explain to those around me why something didn’t work out. But this time feels different. I can feel it in my bones.I’ve always believed that things not meant for us will be washed away to make space for new growth, but I’m determined not to drag old baggage into this new chapter. Yet, here I am, wrestling with imposter syndrome. When I'm alone, I feel invincible, like I’ve got it all figured out, my world, my rules. But then, enter stage left, the world, with its opinions, cancel culture, and the nagging voice that questions my worth.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” it asks. “Why do you think you can do this?” That voice, the one that calls me a washed-up, middle-aged housewife, echoes in my mind, reminding me of the anxiety, depression, and isolation that I’ve always carried with me. These things make me who I am; they shape my devil-may-care persona that others find alluring until they can’t keep up or understand my hyper-realistic view of the world.
I crave solitude, yet I long for praise. I want to be part of the game, but I hate the game. I want to be seen as beautiful, but don’t you dare look at me. What am I trying to figure out here? Am I just trying not to screw this up? Maybe. Perhaps I’m looking to tear a page from Joseph Campbell’s book and create an archetype that makes me the hero of this part of my story.
On my left thigh, I have a tattoo of Joan of Arc, my go-to archetype for strength and an unwavering spirit. She’s always there, leading me forward. But now, it’s time to pick a new one. Someone who embodies the cronehood I’m entering. At 46, I need an archetype that is older, wiser, badass, and sexy. I’m looking for historical women of European descent, especially Norwegian women, who resonate with my ancestry. I personally have no idea if this is true. My mother took an ancestry DNA test that was pretty popular a few years back, and it said that we are 96% or 98% European. But again... everything is bullshit, truly I am a mudblood.
I constantly remind myself that it’s okay to work hard just to prep for work. I have to seduce myself into focusing, much like I would seduce a lover. It shouldn’t be this hard, but I do it. I've been listening to the same song on repeat for the last two weeks; it keeps my train on its tracks.
Why am I sharing all this? Why am I pouring my heart out on the web like a peep show? Well, I suppose it’s because I know everyone loves a good peep show, but also because I want to be held accountable. If you can’t know me, understand me, or know my goals and intentions, how will you ever know if I reach them or if I need help achieving my goals and dreams?
I don’t want to be private anymore. I want you to see how hard I work to do what I do. I want you to see the failures and successes and learn from them all. I want to teach you, if you’re interested in this type of work, how I do what I do so you can do it too.